“What a lovely performance you gave us after all your NAT-KHAT stuff!” That was the first comment from a senior critic in New Delhi minutes after the completion of my NEELAM performance while I was surrounded by old and new friends on stage. How odd and predictable I thought! How easy to place me in a conveniently pretty package – classical OR modern – and tie up the assumptions with a neat ribbon. Was NEELAM supposed to be  my ‘Samatthu Ponnu’ (good girl) avatar, a temporary return to ‘sanity’ after my rebellious ‘nat-khat’ /mischievous outings through ADHIROHANA, MA3KA, A MILLION SITA’s , SUVADU, NAACHIYAAR, DAUGHTERS OF THE OCEAN, VAITHARANI, FACES, SEVEN GRACES, UN-EARTH and other adventures? How does ONE presentation with familiar accents and beloved music suddenly anoint or co-opt me into the familiar fold of the classical? NEELAM was and is, for me, a deeply personal work. As I said in my closing remarks after the performance to the warm and appreciative Delhi audience, it was a convergence of my many decades of observing and attending hours of prayer, music lessons, pujas, walking in the long quiet corridors of Vishnu shrines of South India and observing the elaborate rituals in prayer and celebrations. The 60 minute work was taking shape all through my life as a personal diary. The 25th show which occurred in Delhi was as fresh for me as the very first in 2006 on the occasion of legendary singer MS Subbalakshmi’s birth anniversary. 8 years later, NEELAM continues to be my personal touchstone, like a comforting return to my mother’s home, my head resting on her lap. To even suggest that I have somehow erred, strayed and like a prodigal daughter, have returned home would be very far from the truth. Life, like art, is a spiral but it is constantly moving, with its vortex always changing and shifting centre. NEELAM’s gorgeously costumed silhouettes and lush visual design was conceived as crucial aspects in the entire immersion experience. Choreography and music became co-players in the lustrous quilting of collaborative ideas. The bold new costumes as conceived by Rex continue to challenge me in terms of choreography – what works in rehearsals will still need to be tempered with the costume silhouettes so different from the casual rehearsal outfits. However, NEELAM will be an evergreen presence in my life and repertoire, but my adventure, curiosity and questions continue. 

“Being punctual has its problems. There is nobody around to appreciate it.” Anonymous quote on       T -shirt. 

Being a meticulous producer, who demands much from herself as from my team, I was very frustrated during my recent experiences in Delhi and earlier in the month, in Baroda. I am fastidious about punctuality, knowing all along that very few around me are. Lazy tech staff (I refuse to call them lighting designers. They are merely vendors in disguise), crew dressed in gaudy striped shirts arrived late and were patching lights even up to the time the audience walked in, leaving me with no chance for lighting and sound cues. Of course I performed, drawing on the strength of experience and belief in the work. This is what carries me through more times than I would like to confess in India. No matter how high the rentals are for some auditoriums, the carpets and green room facilities leave much to be desired. Presenters and producers MUST pay attention to the emotional and psychological health of the invited artistes on the day of the performance. Leaving them calm and focused should be one of the top points in their TO DO sheet.  In one city, I was actually prevented from entering my own green room because the PYT (pretty young things) students were busy dressing up to pose for selfies and other photo ops outside! Ah well…Yeh Hai India Meri Jaan cannot be an endless excuse for a ‘chalta hai’ mind set. Yet as performers, we continue to do what we do but the bar MUST be raised if we are to even begin a professional discourse about dance. 

Still, NEELAM was an opportunity to celebrate 20 years of design collaboration with Sandhya Raman, who launched her Desmania Foundation initiative with the performance. I still have her very first costume she made for me in 1995. I have never worn it in performance. I am convinced she did not know the difference between Kathak and Bharatanatyam when she was creating it. Long, flowing in flame orange, it was a stunning party outfit, suited for Holi or Basant festival celebrations and not for the ‘araimandi’ and stretches of BN. Over 2 decades, many of you have seen me photographed in several of Sandhya’s designs, both on and off the stage. Each have been unique and dreamed up solely for me - my height and long arms and legs. They still occupy pride of place and will soon find themselves in a more permanent place if our mutual plans take shape. Thank you, Sandhya, for the friendship and the creative juices that continue to flow. 

NEELAM also reminded me about the changing contours of my own body. Looking at photos taken during its premiere 8 years ago, when I was 10 pounds heavier, to the present set of images, I am struck about how my body shape has changed… and not necessarily for the better. Costumes add unflattering pounds to our physique – unfair but true! The female dancing body has so much to experience and time takes its toll.  A salute to all those amazing women who have remained so slender and wonderful with or without babies, marriages, lovers, families and other distractions. And a stern note to self – Get with the programme! You have to LOOK like a dancer to call yourself one!

My visit to the MS University of Baroda (Vadodara now) was very eventful. It is a centre of learning and erudition much lauded across India for over a century and the magnificent buildings attest to the vision and hope of its brilliant founder, Maharaja Sayajirao Gaekwad III. However, there is a state of decay that lingers everywhere, like a beloved family elder who is slowly withering. While everyone from the auto driver to the chaiwallah and others were optimistic about their man – Narendra Modi – marching to Delhi soon, the streets and buildings did not reflect a state that boasts progress. Or perhaps education is not the priority of any politician for the moment. On the day I performed, Dr. Parul Shah, long time Bharatanatyam performer, scholar and teacher and HOD of the Dance Department, retired. Two days were set aside for Geeta Chandran and myself to talk to the faculty and staff during the day and perform for the city audiences in the evening. Good crowds and warm appreciation were heartening for us and I observed the students riveted by Geeta’s magnificent singing and clear ideas about dance and its attendant challenges. Finding them a bit overwhelmed, I suggested a movement session where I conveyed a single idea for them to develop. What I was seeking was to somehow remove, if only temporarily, a patina of confusion that their faces carried. Somehow, every Bharatanatyam student wants to perform in Chennai and do the annual Sivaratri Natyanjali circuit. There are now too many dancers and too few opportunities. Teachers and students must think differently, creating venues and opportunities that do not converge on Chennai, the December season and the inevitable corruption that has seeped into the ‘mecca’, ‘vaikuntam’, ‘kailasam’ of Bharatanatyam.

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